Grief is a powerful, often overwhelming emotional experience that arises from loss—whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or a significant life change. In many ways, grief is as individual as the person experiencing it, and the journey toward healing can vary widely. Yet, many people find comfort in the idea of stages or steps that help them process grief over time.
The concept of stages of grief is most famously attributed to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist who, in her groundbreaking book On Death and Dying (1969), outlined the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Since then, other theorists and practitioners have expanded on this model, recognizing that grief is complex and may encompass a broader range of experiences, including moving through the stages nonsequentially and sometimes circling back to aspects you may have touched on before. You may hope that, like in business, the stages are like a task list and think, "ok, I've worked through the denial and now I'm moving on to anger" but grief is not dealt with in a logical way. We are in emotional territory.
The journey and the time it takes are unkown but
there is a great gift of transformation that unfolds
if you have faith in the process and take the time to allow it.
While grief is unique to each person, understanding the typical stages people experience can provide insight, clarity, and a roadmap for healing. Let’s explore these seven stages and how you can work through them to heal and experience transformation moving forward - which can never be rushed.
The 7 Stages of Grief
The seven stages of grief provide a helpful framework for understanding the emotional process that often unfolds after loss. These stages are not linear; they may overlap or occur in different orders for different individuals. But, generally, they follow a recognizable pattern of emotional and psychological shifts. Here are the stages:
Shock and Denial
Description: The initial reaction to loss is often a state of shock. People may feel numb, dazed, or disoriented. Denial can serve as a defense mechanism, helping us avoid the immediate emotional impact of the loss.
Example: Upon hearing the news of a loved one’s death, you might find yourself thinking, "This can't be real," or "This is some kind of mistake." Denial can act as a buffer, allowing the mind to gradually absorb the gravity of the situation.
Pain and Guilt
Description: As the shock wears off, the reality of the loss begins to set in. This stage is marked by intense emotional pain and often accompanied by feelings of guilt. People may feel regret over things left unsaid or undone.
Example: "If only I had spent more time with them," or "I should have done more to help." These feelings are normal but can become burdensome if not addressed and worked through.
Anger
Description: Grief can evoke feelings of anger—sometimes toward the person who has died, oneself, others, or even life itself. Anger often stems from a sense of helplessness and a perceived injustice.
Example: You might think, “Why did this happen to me?” or “This is unfair!” It’s common to experience frustration, especially if the loss feels sudden, unexpected, or unjust.
Bargaining
Description: In an attempt to regain some control over the situation or reverse the loss, people may enter the bargaining phase. This involves making deals or promises, either to themselves, a higher power, or the universe, in exchange for relief or the return of what was lost.
Example: You may find yourself praying, "If only I could get one more day with them, I promise I’ll appreciate it more," or "I’d give anything to turn back time and make things right."
Depression
Description: Deep sadness and despair often follow the bargaining stage. During this phase, you may feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of the loss and experience feelings of hopelessness, loneliness, or despair.
Example: You may feel like you’ll never be happy again, thinking, “What’s the point of anything?” It’s important to allow yourself to feel this sadness, as it is a natural part of the grieving process.
Reflection and Loneliness
Description: As the depression begins to ease, you may find yourself reflecting on your life, the loss, and what the future may hold. While reflection can bring insight, it may also be accompanied by feelings of isolation or loneliness as you begin to process the reality of life without your loved one.
Example: “I wish I could still talk to them,” or “I don’t know how to go on without them.” This stage can be a time of deep self-reflection and reevaluating your identity or role in life.
Acceptance
Description: The final stage of grief is acceptance. This doesn’t mean that the grief has disappeared or that you no longer miss the person. Rather, it signifies coming to terms with the loss and finding a way to move forward.
Example: You might think, "I will always miss them, but I’ve found a way to live with this loss." Acceptance is not about forgetting the person or the pain, but about integrating the loss into your life and finding a new sense of balance.
How to Work Through the Stages of Grief
Processing grief is an emotional journey, one that requires patience, self-compassion, and time. Here are some ways to support yourself through each stage:
Allow Yourself to Feel: Grief is not something you “get over” quickly. Permit yourself to feel all the emotions—anger, sadness, guilt, and even relief. Each emotion is part of the healing process.
Seek Support: Grief can be isolating, but it's best not to go through it alone. In most traditional cultures, there were rituals for grief where the community would connect and support - which is in contrast to today's individualistic Western society. Therefor it is so important to reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a counselor who can offer emotional support and a safe space to express your feelings.
Take Care of Your Body: Physical well-being often takes a back seat during grief, but taking care of yourself is essential. Get enough rest, eat nourishing meals, and engage in activities that promote relaxation, such as walking or yoga.
Express Yourself: Writing, art, or journaling can be powerful tools for processing grief. Putting your thoughts and feelings into words or creating something tangible can help release bottled-up emotions.
Find Meaning in the Loss: Over time, you may start to find meaning in the loss. This might involve honoring the memory of your loved one through rituals, contributing to a cause they cared about, or simply allowing the loss to shape your perspective on life. Gently allowing a sense of connection to them may help you to continue to appreciate them and to receive their gifts in a way that deepens your sense of meaning in life going forward.
When Will You Know You’ve Healed Enough to "Move On"?
Healing from grief is not an event but a process that unfolds at your own pace. Signs that you have really processed through the seven stages of grief are:
The Intensity of Pain Softens: While you may always miss the person or experience the loss, the overwhelming intensity of your emotions will lessen over time. You may find that you can think about the loss without becoming consumed by sadness.
You Reconnect with Life: You begin to engage with life again—whether that means pursuing old hobbies, reconnecting with friends, or finding new passions. While you’ll never “move on” in the sense of forgetting, you will begin to embrace life as it is now.
You Feel a New Sense of Purpose or Peace: After processing your grief, you may find a sense of peace with the loss and realize you can never lose the positive experiences you had with them. You might even discover a new purpose in life, shaped by your experiences of the person or by your experiences with grief and loss.
Ultimately grief and loss offer an opportunity for transformation.
Conclusion: Embracing the Journey of Healing
Grief is an incredibly personal journey, and the stages outlined above are simply a guide to help you navigate this painful process. Remember, there is no “right” way to grieve, and everyone experiences grief differently. By honouring the emotional process, giving yourself permission to feel, and seeking support when need it, you can move through grief with greater resilience and find a way to honour your loss while continuing to live a fulfilling life.
If you have suffered some loss and are struggling to cope or sometimes feel overwhelmed with the feelings, feel free to reach out for support with Rebecca or myself. Healing is so much nicer done in connection.
Many blessings on your healing process
Vince Wishart
An experienced group facilitator, NLP Life Coach, Registered Therapeutic Counsellor, Qi gong Instructor and community builder, Vince has been running men's groups & community talking circles for 7+ years. Read Vince’s Full Bio
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