Awakening to Connection: A Journey Through Recovery
Over the past few decades, I’ve helped and walked alongside hundreds of individuals navigating recovery from addiction. What began as a personal journey soon became a sacred study of the human spirit—one that revealed a truth so simple, yet so radical:
The “addicted mind” is not a flaw, but is crying for connection -just like a baby cries for love, for reassurance that everything is going to be ok.
"There is love, there is a cry for love and it's all Love!"
Ram Dass
Time and again, I witnessed how isolation, shame, and a severed sense of belonging fuelled the very behaviours society labels as “broken.” But beneath the surface of every struggle, a deeper longing pulsed - I came to recognize addiction as a universal hunger to return to innocence and connection.
Everyone is born with innocence and everyone carries that spark of innocence in them, no matter how 'bad ass' they portray themselves.
"All human behaviour is either an expression of love or a cry for love"
A Course in Miracles
Hence, a cry for love is a cry for connection. Addiction is a cry for love which, at its core, is a cry for connection in relationship to those around us. To paraphrase Gabor Mate':
Addiction is a lack of connection
We are living in an age of healing—a time when we are rediscovering that self-healing is relational. Recovery is not just about breaking free from substance abuse or traditionally labelled addictions but also from the socially accepted behaviours that often go unnoticed—like overworking, endless scrolling on social media, or numbing ourselves with food or entertainment. These habits, while normalized, quietly erode the quality of our relationships—with ourselves, with others, and even with the world around us. They leave us feeling disconnected and isolated.
Recovery asks us to pause and reflect: What or who are we in relationship with? And why? Through this lens, healing becomes a journey back to connection and relational living—a reminder that our well-being is deeply intertwined with the relationships we nurture."
What does recovery mean to you? For me, it’s about returning to the awe and wonder of a child—a state of unfiltered innocence and presence.
Picture a toddler, crouched in a sunlit meadow, utterly enchanted by the world. Fingers dig into soil, eyes widen at the flutter of a butterfly, and laughter erupts at the tickle of grass. There’s no separation here—no “self” versus “other,” no performance, no armour. Just raw, wondrous being. This is where recovery leads us: not to some polished version of perfection, but back to that childlike state of awe and trust. It’s a homecoming to the truth that healing is relational, playful, and alive with curiosity. And guess what? You get to bring adult discernment as well. Win-win.
People born into homes with a warm, caring, secure connection with their parents will have an easier time of experiencing a sense of innocence and belonging however, those of us who don't come from a secure attachment base in our family of origin can develop this (with some devotion).
We're all 'wired' for secure attachment even if we didn't come from a secure attachment family of origin. We all have the neuroplasticity to learn new ways of being and experience our human birthright of real secure connection.
If this vision calls to you, follow along as we explore this in depth.
On our journey toward this vision, in my experience, we all stumble sometimes and pretend our way through at times, but as the poet Rumi whispers:
"As you start to walk on the way, the way appears.”
The Myth of Self-Healing in an Individualistic World
In a culture that glorifies "self-made" success and "pulling yourself up by your bootstraps," we’ve been taught that healing is a solo journey. But what if true recovery isn’t about isolation, but about reconnection? What if our wounds—whether from burnout, loneliness, or trauma—are not just personal struggles, but symptoms of a society that prizes individualism over interdependence? This blog explores how reclaiming relational living can mend not just our hearts, but our collective spirit.
The Rise of Individualism: A Brief History
Individualism, as we know it today, took root during the Enlightenment and Industrial Revolution. One of the benefits of individualism was it's contribution to highlighting human rights however, Philosophers like Descartes (“I think, therefore I am”) and economic shifts toward capitalism prioritized autonomy, competition, and personal achievement. While this mindset fuelled innovation, it also fragmented communities, equating self-worth with productivity and severing ties to ancestral, land-based, and communal wisdom. In Recovery circles, we call this "me-ism", or "I-problems"
By contrast, collectivist societies (common in Indigenous cultures) emphasize the we more than the I. Healing, decision-making, and identity are woven into relationships—with family, nature, and ancestors. Pain is not a private burden but a shared responsibility.
Yet modernity’s individualistic narrative has seeped in globally, leaving many of us stranded in a paradox: craving connection while fearing vulnerability, yearning for belonging while clinging to independence.
Why Self-Healing Can’t Happen in Isolation
Individualism sells us a lie: that we can (and should) “fix” ourselves alone. But neuroscience and psychology tell a different story:
Mirror Neurons: Our brains are wired to co-regulate - calming in the presence of a loved one’s steady breath or spiralling in response to another’s anger.
Attachment Theory: Secure relationships in childhood and adulthood shape our ability to cope with stress and heal trauma - since wounds created in connection are healed in connection, fostering emotional safety, trust, and resilience through attuned, supportive relationships.
Cultural Wounds: Anxiety, depression, and addiction often stem from systemic disconnection - not personal failure.
Healing is relational because our nervous systems, identities, and stories are shaped with others. To recover, we must shift from “What’s wrong with me?” or "What's wrong with you" to “What happened to us?” - The same thing we share with couples coming for relationship counselling.
Relational Living in Practice: Returning to the Circle
Reclaiming relationality doesn’t mean abandoning personal agency. It means recognizing that our well-being is intertwined.
Here is a common and relatable example:
Imagine a couple sitting together on the couch after a long day. One partner turns to the other and says, “I’ve been feeling really stressed about work lately, and I just need to talk about it.” Instead of putting down their phone and engaging, the other partner absentmindedly scrolls through social media, offering only half-hearted nods and occasional “uh-huh” responses.
The first partner, feeling unheard and unimportant, eventually stops sharing and withdraws emotionally. Over time, this pattern of “checking out” with the phone creates a growing sense of disconnection. The partner on the phone might not even realize the impact of their actions, but the message is clear: “What’s on my screen right now is more important than you.”
This small moment of disengagement can snowball into larger relational issues, fostering resentment, loneliness, and a lack of intimacy. It’s a modern-day example of how technology, when used unconsciously, can erode the very connections we crave.
This person, who is choosing not to be present in the relationship and distracted by the phone, is actually harming themselves by eroding the relational fabric, breaking down trust. The quality of your relationship determines the quality of your life. What you put into the relationship will greatly impact the health of your relationship and the health of your life.
ARE: "Are you there for me" is the question at the core of every relationship, Dr. Sue Johnson explains. She teaches that to develop a secure attachment we need:
ARE: an acronym for: Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement.
Relational Living in Practice: Returning to the Circle
Reclaiming relationality doesn’t mean abandoning personal agency. It means recognizing that our well-being is deeply intertwined with the quality of our connections—with ourselves and with others.
The Inner Experience of Isolation and Its Ripple Effects
The inner experience of isolation, loneliness, and emotional overwhelm often leads to defences—like checking out with addictions, blaming others, or wearing social masks (to name just a few) to hide our true authentic selves. These behaviours act like pollutants in the biosphere of our relationships, creating distance instead of intimacy. For example:
A partner who numbs their pain with alcohol may unintentionally push their loved ones away, perpetuating a cycle of disconnection.
Someone who hides behind a “perfect” facade on social media might feel increasingly isolated, as their real struggles remain unseen and unacknowledged.
People pleasing or overfunctioning/caretaking can impede the relational biosphere of our family. When a person wears a 'mask' they are not revealing their true self and will end up feeling alone and often resentful.
Just as polluted air harms both the environment and those who breathe it, these relational patterns harm not only our connections but also ourselves. The truth is, our wounds happen in the context of relationship, and relationship is the context within which we find healing.
How to return to Relational Living
1. Nurture the Biosphere of your Personal Relationships
Practice coming out of your defences and finding ways to become more Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged. For example, putting your phone down and being more present, getting curious and asking questions, listening deeply with empathy, observing and attuning emotionally, acknowledging what you are hearing, showing up authentically with care for the relationship, making invitations, responding to bids for connection.
2. Rewild Your Relationships
Community as Medicine: Join a grief circle, gardening group, or Qi Gong class (try out a Qi Gong practice here). These spaces remind us that healing is rhythmic and collective, not linear and solitary.
Nature as Kin: Sit with a tree, journal by a river, or walk barefoot on soil. The Earth models relationality—giving and receiving without transaction other than the exchange of appreciation for the gift of beauty. The first people of Turtle Island (North America) traditionally, if going to the woods to, let's say harvest medicines, in the spirit of reciprocity, offer a pinch of tobacco, some hair, or some token of appreciation for the exchange. Are we here just to take? Or can we feel like we're giving our best in every relational situation?
3. Challenge Hyper-Independence
Ask for Help: The greatest of all strengths - Vulnerability is the greatest strength. It's also key for connection. Vulnerability takes courage. Reach out, and ask for help. Let someone cook for you, listen to your pain, or hold you accountable. It helps them as much as it helps you. Allow the other to be in service which is the highest aspiration of the human spirit.
Celebrate Interdependence: Host a “skill swap” (e.g., teach yoga in exchange for herbal wisdom) to dismantle the myth of self-sufficiency.
4. Honor Ancestral and Indigenous Wisdom
Many Indigenous frameworks, like Ubuntu (“I am because we are”) or the Māori concept of whakapapa (genealogical interconnectedness), Mitakuye Oyasin (We're all Related) view health as a communal endeavour. Learn from these traditions without appropriation or your ancestral traditions.
The Relational Recovery Manifesto
Your pain is not yours alone: It is a reflection of systems, histories, and disconnection. Our ancestors did not have the plethora of healing modalities we have today. We have the ability, in this time, to heal ourselves, and our next seven generations to come, and there is an idea that our ancestors also receive healing through us seven generations back and more - time is not linear.
I believe that intergenerational trauma means that my ancestors weren't able to heal fully in their lifetime and they handed their 'stuff' down to me as a gift to heal in this life time. Perhaps it is vulnerability, after all. Their way of asking.
Healing requires witnesses: Be seen, heard, and held. Likewise, hold space for others.
Rest is resistance? In a go-go accomplish more societal grind-obsessed culture, slowing down and attuning to the people and nature around you is an act of collective care. A loving act of activism. and, it is very good for your ongoing wellness.
We Heal in We in Connection, in Relation
Individualism taught us to build walls, but relationality invites us to grow bridges. Recovery is not about returning to some idealized past; it’s about creating futures where we honour everyone’s needs and nourish the whole. This is the essence of the Relationship Biosphere—a living, breathing ecosystem of connection where every interaction, every act of care, and every moment of vulnerability contributes to the health of the whole.
In this biosphere, healing is not a solitary endeavour. It’s a collective process where our individual growth is intertwined with the well-being of those around us. When we tend to our relationships—with ourselves, with others, and with the Earth—we create a ripple effect that extends far beyond our immediate circles.
Imagine a forest: each tree, plant, and organism plays a vital role in sustaining the ecosystem. The roots of one tree connect to others through an underground network, sharing nutrients and resources. In the same way, our relationships form an invisible web of support, resilience, and mutual care. When we heal ourselves, we contribute to the healing of others. When we nourish our connections, we strengthen the entire biosphere.
This is the heart of relational living: recognizing that our well-being is not separate from the well-being of others. It’s about moving from “me” to “we,” from isolation to interdependence, and from fear to trust. As we do this, we not only transform our own lives but also co-create a world where healing is collective, relational, and deeply rooted in love.
As Adrienne Maree Brown speaks about;
We are living in an age of healing—a time when we learn to mend wounds by choosing not to abandon one another, including ourselves.
This is the essence of relational living: understanding that true healing is never a solitary journey. Our connections matter. As we take steps to give from our hearts, we not only heal ourselves but also become a source of healing for others.
Call to Action
Join our weekly Wellbriety talking circles online—a virtual space to practice communal Sacred sharing. We share stories of the Red Road. We sit in a circle as best we can on Zoom, and reimagine healing together. [Sign up here].
“The way we come back to relationship is the way we come back to life.”
— Bayo Akomolafe
Vince Wishart
An experienced group facilitator, NLP Life Coach, Author of books on Emotional Fluency, Registered Therapeutic Counsellor, Qi gong Instructor and community builder, Vince has been running men's groups for 6+ years. Read Vince’s Full Bio
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